Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Jens Voigt: Some Little Known Facts

In yesterday's Stage 16 at the Tour de France, Saxo Bank rider and seminal hard man Jens Voigt fell during the descent off of Col du Petit-Saint-Bernard. According to the most current updates he is recovering and that his injuries are not life threatening (there's a reason for that). Our thoughts are with Jens, and in his honor I've compiled some little known facts about cycling's very own "Mavericky" German.

Some of this was taking from

After his fall on the Col du Petit-Saint-Bernard the Peloton had to be re-routed, the impact from Jens' face hitting the pavement left a 40 ft. crater.

Jens' injuries are not "Life Threatening" because nothing Threatens Jens... Ever.

Jens doesn't "Dance on the Pedals" he curb checks them.

Jens had a plan to market his sweat as an energy supplement, It was named CERA and was promptly banned.

Jens Traveled back in time and set the pace on the Ventoux in the 1967 Tour de France. The British have never forgiven him.

Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball.”

Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960’s, where he became a great champion.

Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until the heart attacked relented, conceding that Jens was the stronger of the two

If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

Jens wins stages by tearing holes in the space time continuum.

If Jens is moving forward, everyone else is moving backwards.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out smiles, eats a bowl of Muesli, and attacks.

Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

Jens calves are so massive that doctors had to surgically remove 33% from each leg.

Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

Have you ever seen a pothole in the road? Those are from the sweat of Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft.

Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it's been reduced to the rocky subsoil

Jens' wheels are typically 48, spoke and soldered 4 cross, as everything buckles under his power.

In the 2008 Giro Jens won a stage. This wouldn't have been unusual except he wasn't on the roster for his team and showed up at the last minute and raced on his Electra "Amsterdam" townie.

1 comment:

christian said...

So I would assume he is in the break today?