Monday... Tour Withdrawals

So the Tour de France organizers played the Danish National Anthem for the this year's winner of the Tour, who happens to be Spanish...Wait...OOPS!

I'm now officially going through withdrawals, what a great race this year. However I don't feel like giving some long drawn out commentary on this year's TDF so I'll just leave it at this: El Pistolero... I never had a doubt, even with Lance in the mix.

I like this kid. He's the most talented rider in the Pro Peloton right now. He's enigmatic, hard working, focused and dedicated. He puts in work and gets the results he wants. People can talk all they want about doping, point fingers and whatever saying things like "...and that's how you know" and what ever, but he won, and he didn't get popped for doping after a single stage, and he won't...I'll put money on it. Now...Get back to work.























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Oh.My.God.

Do you want to see the greatest thing on the internet right now?...

Kraftwerk, the Godfathers of Techno and authors of the seminal classic "Tour de France" performing LIVE (well, not quite live) at the Manchester Velodrome as Britain's gold medal cyclist take to the track Read more!

Fixed Gear Fascists.

Thanks to BSNYC this video was brought to my attention, although my day would have gone by just fine without it. But now since I've seen it I feel like I have to comment on it. Let me just say before the "Read More" text that I don't think anything about this video is in anyway OK. Now...

Here is the video in question. It's been making the rounds on the internetz an twitters and blogs and faceyspaces. Watch it, take a position on it and then read my awesome commentary.

Hitting people with you U-Lock is not a good idea. Under no circumstance should you hit a PERSON with your U-Lock, unless that person is attacking you with another deadly weapon like a knife, or rock, or rabid Maltese Poodle. Hitting a person with any object other than your fist or foot is considered assault with a deadly weapon and regardless of the circumstances (except self defense) you'll be charged with said felony. Now, as can be seen in this video, the attack on the pedestrian was unprovoked, so the cyclist was attacking the pedestrian not for defense but instead offense. I don't know the back story here, but regardless the pedestrian was a pedestrian and wasn't brandishing any sort of "deadly Maltipoo" so it's fair to say that this was an overreaction on the part of the cyclist.

With all of that said, it's now fair for me to speculate and cast judgement on the situation, as is my right and duty as a blogger. Most likely what happened here is that the cyclist and pedestrian became somehow entangled while one or both were entering/exiting the intersection. Due to this "close call" words were exchanged and derogatory/racist/bigoted comments were made by one or both parties. Pushing and shoving ensues and the rest can be seen in brutal detail on the video. I'm assuming that the cyclist, wound up with adrenaline from the number of "close calls" with motorists due to his inability to stop shorter than a half block, attacked the pedestrian when he was called a douchebag for rolling through the red light. The pedestrian, trying to do what he thought was "right" continued to "give the cyclist a piece of his mind" regarding his 4 way intersection etiquette and then did in fact give the cyclist a piece of his mind, no longer figuratively, but instead left "a piece of his mind" on the cyclists U-Lock.

at first I noticed the fact that the cyclist is wearing a sparkley new "Chrome" messenger bag. The bag seems to indicate that this is not a professional Bike Messenger (as a real Bike Messenger's bag would be considerably more distressed) but is instead a "Fakenger" and is undoubtedly a little "bent" due to the fact that the number of free-lance graphic design jobs he usually gets has been drastically reduced and his RISD education is quickly becoming an obsolete (figuratively)dust collecting asset. Despite this there seemed to be something more pervasive about this video, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

After watching the video a 47th time I noticed a more significant and disturbing fact. The assailant is White with blond hair, while the victim is Asian. The fixed gear movement has transcended style and fad, that fact is clear but what is more subversive is where the movement came from in the first place. Fixie bikes are intrinsically bound to Punk rock, Hard core and the like, most of which is far left on the political spectrum. However as any first year Poli-sci drop out can tell you, the spectrum is not straight but round, and when you get so far left, you risk becoming FAR RIGHT, hence the Racist Hard core music niche. Now I'm not saying that all Hard Core fans are racists, or that all ride fixed gear bikes, but that all of this is conveniently close for this undoubtedly "Fed up Honkey" and his fixed gear bike.

What we have here is the beginning of the new, subversive and frightening neo-nazi fixed gear movement. Lets not forget where Volkswagen came from... Nazi Germany's "solution" to auto transport. The beetle was to be practical, easy to manufacture and repair. Nazi's, despite their fuzzy logic, misplaced rage and racism are practical people who seek over-simplified and incorrect solutions to complex problems. The fixed gear bike fits perfectly into their need for a practical, oversimplified and incorrect transportation solution in the era of $4/gallon gas which was obviously brought on by the new Chinese middle class hence the provocation for this attack since the victim WAS Asian and thus automatically Chinese in the eyes of Das Attacker. Every shortfall in the assailants life can be blamed on the Asians all the way down to the fact that he has been cosmically relegated to riding a fixed gear bike in New York while eating Top Raman instead of living the good life off the grid on an All-White Vegan Commune in Wyoming. Thus when the assailant saw this "Goddamn Gook" crossing the street legally in the cross walk he felt it necessary to "Almost" hit him while executing an illegal rolling stop during a red light, blaming the pedestrian for the altercation, and then beating him violently with his U-Lock.

You see, simple as that. Neo-Nazi's on Fixed Gear bikes.

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Jens Voigt: Some Little Known Facts

In yesterday's Stage 16 at the Tour de France, Saxo Bank rider and seminal hard man Jens Voigt fell during the descent off of Col du Petit-Saint-Bernard. According to the most current updates he is recovering and that his injuries are not life threatening (there's a reason for that). Our thoughts are with Jens, and in his honor I've compiled some little known facts about cycling's very own "Mavericky" German.

Some of this was taking from Texastailwind.wordpress.com

After his fall on the Col du Petit-Saint-Bernard the Peloton had to be re-routed, the impact from Jens' face hitting the pavement left a 40 ft. crater.

Jens' injuries are not "Life Threatening" because nothing Threatens Jens... Ever.

Jens doesn't "Dance on the Pedals" he curb checks them.

Jens had a plan to market his sweat as an energy supplement, It was named CERA and was promptly banned.

Jens Traveled back in time and set the pace on the Ventoux in the 1967 Tour de France. The British have never forgiven him.

Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball.”

Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960’s, where he became a great champion.

Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until the heart attacked relented, conceding that Jens was the stronger of the two

If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

Jens wins stages by tearing holes in the space time continuum.

If Jens is moving forward, everyone else is moving backwards.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out smiles, eats a bowl of Muesli, and attacks.

Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

Jens calves are so massive that doctors had to surgically remove 33% from each leg.

Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

Have you ever seen a pothole in the road? Those are from the sweat of Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft.

Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it's been reduced to the rocky subsoil

Jens' wheels are typically 48, spoke and soldered 4 cross, as everything buckles under his power.

In the 2008 Giro Jens won a stage. This wouldn't have been unusual except he wasn't on the roster for his team and showed up at the last minute and raced on his Electra "Amsterdam" townie.

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Tuesday's Lazy Links

Here's a litany of links pertaining to various cycling issues. Basically what this means is there was nothing that really stood out enough for me to write about. Don't get me wrong, cyclists are still being marginalized through out the country, and even in Canada! Here's some links with some info about the marginalization.

Surprise surprise! A cyclist was hit by a car.

In Saratoga Springs, NY not only is it illegal to ride a bike to school, but also to walk. Fat is the new thing there, its the new agenda.

Colorado is a great place to ride a bike, just not on Jefferson County country roads

From Canada, 5 cyclists were hit. Make sure to look at the pictures, they're pretty horrific.

So...How do I feel about all of this? well... Read more!

Pablo.

I know this isn't really advocacy related, but it is cycling related because it's my friend Jeff and Jeff's a cyclist and since this is my blog I can write about whatever I want, so there. Jeff recently lost his son Pablo to a type of Cancer called Wilm's Tumor. Pablo actually had Bi-Lateral Wilm's Tumor, meaning not one, but both of his kidney's were affected by the cancer. You hear about people discovering cancer at stage 4, Doctors caught Pablo's cancer at stage 5, that's right, Wilm's Tumor is the only cancer with 5 stages.

Jeff, his wife and their son have started a foundation called the Pablove foundation which is dedicated to helping the victims of pediatric cancer. I recommend you click www.pablove.org and check out what the Pablove foundation is all about. When you're done, please donate. Once you are done with that and have donated and thus feel much better about your day you should read this Blog:getwellpablo.blogspot.com, written by Jeff, Jo Ann and Grady about their experience over the past 14 months since Pablo was diagnosed in May of 2008. I read a lot of stuff, news, magazines, books, instructions; but this has become a daily reader for me over the past couple months as it's one of the most honest and heartfelt blogs I've ever read. After you've read a few entries you'll feel like everyone is your best friend. Now, I know this is link overload, but click here also, and watch the video of Jeff and Pablo on Nike.com. I've tried embedding a copy of the video here, but I'm not sure if it works.

It's also Important to point out that Jeff is currently planning a ride called "Pablove Across America". I don't have a lot of details yet, other than the fact that it's a ride across America starting in South Carolina and ending here in Los Angeles. As planning for the ride progresses I'll keep you up to date.

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Mario is Watching you!

I wish you all good rides this weekend as I'll be signing off until Monday. Please be safe, have fun, and keep the rubber side down.

But most importantly... remember to look good while you're doing it...
















Mario is watching you! Read more!

This is a Good Idea

I found this on the LAist today. It's a good idea, and it's about time we started thinking like this. Vulnerable user laws are good because they protect uh... Vulnerable users. click here for more details. Or don't. Just know that vulnerable user laws create greater education and harsher penalties when said vulnerable users are the victims of crimes. Some may call it special treatment, but whatever; I call getting a "reckless driving" charge after you've plowed down and killed a cyclist with your 3000 lb suburban "special treatment" also, so yea...let the tables turn. Read more!

Possible Pickle Industry/Dave Zabriskie "Colabo"???

It can't be all bad all the time right? Found this today as I was leaving the office. The cleaning people seem to have commandeered what was a pickle storage container.

The container led me to believe that the Pickle industries has tapped Dave Zabriskie as an industry spokesperson after the success of his groinal support product DZNutz. I snapped this spy photo, which proves beyond listless wonder and fanciful speculation that it is in fact the resulting product of a Pickle industry/Dave Zabriskie Colabo. Titled simply DZ Pickles.
"What Pickles?"
"Dz Pickles!".






















It always made sense to me (but not to Lance) that DZ Nutz would be plural, however in this case it seems a bit weird that "Pickles" is plural, unless these are pickles that are meant for shower time after Paris-Roubaix. Whatever though... anything cycling related gets my money.

Now get back to work. Read more!

WTF Santa Clarita?

Santa Clarita is awesome. Articles here in give further evidence of it's total awesomeness. "The Law" gets extra points with this one. The Santa Clarita Signal has a couple articles about drivers hitting, killing and seriously injuring cyclists. There was an incident on July 4th where the driver wasn't even arrested. Now, I have friends who are and have been police officers, and they usually have a half way descent explanation for charges not being brought, but when someone is in the hospital with a crushed spine and doctors on rotation to watch for potentially deadly swelling I find explanations to be worthless.

I recommend reading both articles, if you enjoy being steaming fucking angry. Read more!

Is this thing still on?

Just Checking.

It's been something like 5 months since my last post. Sorry. Things have been kind of crazy. There's been some events over the past couple months that have made me decide that it's time to pick this thing up and start running with it again. I'll report in another post soon. This one is really just to test some stuff.




Get back to work.
















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Gina Perry is a Retard

A Century ride wouldn't be a Century ride if you don't get lost, and to that a 15 rides blog post wouldn't be a 15 Rides blog post if it were reporting something in a prompt and timely fashion. This was brought to my attention last week, however I've been busy stomping noobs getting thrashed in Bad Company so... sorry, it's a bit late.

Santa Barbara is a beautiful city. I've seen pods of dolphins making their way up the coast while enjoying perfect weather after a leisurely bike ride. Santa Barbara has everything, beautiful town centers, art walks, incredible views, beaches and mountains.

It also is home to tawdry college co-eds and the highest STD rates in the country, or so I've heard. Aside from those two minor distractions it's also home to Gina Perry, a complete and total retard. Gina isn't happy being a retard in her own retarded way, she insists on pushing her retarded views on others by publishing poorly written op-ed pieces in The Daily Sound

I've included her commentary here for your enjoyment... and by enjoyment I mean "forthcoming rage and anger"

Since the invention of the automobile, bicycling on city roads has been a dicey proposition.

On Tuesday night, I attended the first half of a City Council meeting to hear arguments for and against the reconstruction of the De la Vina wye intersection (which would cost the city a minimum of $250,000).

The main argument for changing the intersection appeared to center around bicyclist safety and was championed at the meeting by members of a group called the Santa Barbara Bicycle Coalition. Having never heard of this group, I looked them up on the internet.

According to their website, the Santa Barbara Bicycle Coalition advocates “a community where bicycles and other non-motor vehicle options are the norms for healthy transportation and recreation.” Additionally, the website states an organizational belief that more bicycle riders on the roads will have a calming effect on motorists.

To be honest, calm is the last adjective I’d use to describe my emotions when I have to change lanes during rush hour to avoid hitting a bicyclist who is taking up half of my lane.

Persons who ride bicycles on heavily traveled roadways impede intended traffic flow, cause congestion, and are a danger to themselves and others.

Consider the following: A Chevrolet Suburban (a mid-sized vehicle if you consider the size and weight of trucks and buses traversing city roadways) weighs about eight thousand pounds. Conservatively speaking, so does an African elephant. The average bicycle weighs between 20 and 40 pounds - the size of your average toddler.

An adult who allowed a toddler to play with an elephant would be considered unreasonable (on a good day) by most community standards. Adults who choose to dance with elephants must be aware – at some level I would think - of the perilous position in which they place their lives.

A bicyclist who has trouble navigating congested and heavily traveled city streets should seek an alternate and safer route to his destination. (In Santa Barbara, there is always more than one way to get to where you want to go.)

The City Council, perhaps smarting from taxpayer outrage over a city employee wage increase and the purchase of a $60,000 parking enforcement gadget when the city is bleeding red ink, decided to table the measure. Good move.

Reconstructing intersections will not make busy streets significantly safer for bicyclists.

Instead, the City should require bicyclists riding within city limits to travel alternate routes during heavy traffic hours and/or avoid heavily traveled roadways altogether unless absolutely necessary.
Think about it. It’s a win-win and it won’t cost a dime.

Win-Win for who? You and other spoiled Psuedo-Environmentalists? I see your point, segregate the minority and all of the problems for the majority get solved... win win indeed. I think some other retarded white people tried segregation in the south with some popular success... oh wait.

Restricted routes totally make a ton of sense, (except for the illegality of it) as I'm sure by "alternative routes" she means "The beach path" which totally leads to every where you need to go in Santa Barbara right? Any way, once you start "segregating" bicycle traffic it doesn't stop. What really impedes traffic flow is Chevy Suburbans that are driven by tarts who are texting while driving on their way to the gym after picking up a frappe' mochachino. And what's up with "your emotions...?" That sounds like a personal problem, which they have meds for. I have personal problems too, but I don't insist that ridiculous laws be passed because of them. Gina Perry writes a political column for the Daily Sound that appears Thursdays. She can be reached here: E-mail the retard Gina Perry by clicking this link

I'd like to apologize to the intellectually challenged. I in no way intend for any intellectually challenged individual to feel like they are comparable to this deplorable human being.
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Soft and Buttery

Soft and Buttery. Adjectives.

For many things that require adjectives "Soft" and "Buttery" are great adjectives as they indicate a suppleness that takes the reader back to that special, comforting place. Even things in cycling can be described as soft and buttery and it's good, such as the ride quality of a properly crafted custom steal or titanium bike. These words can also be positives for tires, or the line you chose on your way down the road. For me however, "Soft" and "Buttery" are very very bad.

After a significant hiatus and 3 weeks off the bike I, Corey Keizer, am "Soft" and "Buttery" My thighs puff out of my cycling shorts like two upside down muffin tops. My skin is pale, my belly jolly. Tuesday and Thursday of last week marked the first 20 miles I've ridden since the beginning of January. Now that 20 miles is making me sore. Me. The guy who could ride 130 miles and get up the next day and ride 60 more is getting sore after a 10 mile jaunt around the park.

As with everything, I have an excuse. My year hasn't gotten off to the best start. I burned myself out in 2008, and my planned return to 2009 was put hold by a couple of family tragedies that really took the wind out of my sail. I turned to my X-Box 360 for comfort as sitting on a bike seat just didn't feel appealing at the moment.

It's not just my physique that's "Soft" and "Buttery" though. Those adjectives go much deeper for me. One thing I've learned about myself over the past couple months is that I harbor a fair amount of irritation towards those who are intolerant of cycling and cyclists, and that I've been pretty "Soft" and "Buttery" in my dialog with those people. I'm sorry but the shit has, and still is hitting the fan. Global warming is beginning it's out of control spiral, the economy has tanked and people are lining up to accept unemployment at rates that haven't been seen in decades. So why in the hell should we continue to give the right of way to those who support dogmatic loser industries that put this country in the quagmire it's in? Environment? who gives a shit, lets expand roadway spending and give huge tax breaks to car buyers to F**k the environment even more. Let's not spend money on things like active transportation that would help the environment and provide projects for people who desperately need work. No, lets continue down the same path, since it's worked out so well to this point.

I've been unreasonably nice and muted particularly to those who feel cyclists should be segregated, and not allowed on the same roadways as other vehicles. I've coddled them and tried the whole "Kill with Kindness" thing. I'm not going to hedge and say "I'm sorry for saying this" any more. If you don't like sharing the roadways that's too bad. Bikes are vehicles and that's the end of it. Read the legal code if you think I'm somehow out of line. I say the same thing to drivers who don't want to share the road as I say to myself when I see someone trying to do a 18 point parallel park with their Hummer H3, "If you don't know how to drive it, don't." Keep driving your cars and treating cyclists like crap. I'm sure when gas goes back up to $4.50 a gallon this summer you'll be looking to guys like me asking for advice on which roads are the safest. To which I'll reply "most of them, since you're not driving anymore."

To that, cyclists also need to straighten the F**k up. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of this adolescent sense of entitlement that so many of us exude that we somehow don't have to stop at stop lights and stop signs because we're training or whatever. If you want respect on the road you have to give it first. Obey the laws. Your training program isn't that important, you're only a CAT 4. If we want motorists to give us the right of way we need to show that we deserve it first. Read more!